solitude.

when I'm with you I'm sure
it's what I want. 

when I'm alone
everything changes
my thoughts 
my feelings
everything I thought I knew
out the window. 

I think strange thoughts
look at all the possibilities 
and think of what could be

change.

i used to be happy whenever I saw you. 
I used to smile whenever I saw a new message from you. 

what changed so quickly?
was it the possibility of change. 
the possiblility of having something
I've always wanted. 

for some reason. 
I like being alone. 
solitude as my companion. 

the happiness virus.

it's like I'm immune to happiness
I've gotten the vaccine
and the happiness virus can't mutate. 

I may receive it from time to time. 
but it never stays forever.

I see people everywhere. 
dying from happiness fever.
love songs. and love stories. 

give me some metal and screamo. 
and I'll show you love. 
screaming at the top of my lungs. 
dancing in the rain until you fall. 
with tears masked by the rain. 
  

glances.

you picked me before you knew me,
i saw you when you looked away.

at one point,
we were staring into each others eyes,
the best moments of my life.

you look away yet,
i kept looking.

once or twice you met my gaze,
but quickly looked away again.

then one day you never looked back,
my heart is still broken,
and my eyes still look for you.

my former.

so i listen to the music,
i once said reminded me of you,
and try to remember the nights.

the nights we talked until 3 am,
sometimes we said sweet dreams,
sometimes to say the cops came,
ill see you tomorrow.

i remember the awkwardness,
and smile to myself,
at what we could have been,
what we should have been.

the balance.

should i stay with one i know who cares,
or the one ive always wanted,
safe in someones arms,
or trying to balance on feelings.

you say one word to me,
and the other doesnt matter,
but then remembering,
there's a heart on the line,
i dont want to drop the call.

its pulling my heart apart,
my mind cant decide,
rational versus irrational,
they weigh the same.

confusing worlds.

i see your message,
'sweet dreams,'
if i could sleep,
perhaps my mind could rest,
inhabiting a dream world.

but awake, im lost
between two worlds,
my fantasy, the possibilities,
and reality, the truth.

im burning in this indecision,
every wish i make is for sanity,
and to find truths,
in the lies i make myself.

pain and care.

when breathing becomes a tedious act,
you know something has to change,
your life is in a chaos,
like hell, if it existed.

your tears of self pity and pain,
and your throbbing heart aside,
youre still not normal enough,
to fit in with the crowd.

those puffy eyes,
covered in black,
a signature move.

you want to just cry out in pain,
and let your tears loose,
but no one would listen,
no one would care.

to be loved?

i dont want to be here,
i dont want to see here,
i dont want to feel here.

i want to be numb, motionless,
feeling is just too much,
and not knowing what you feel,
is even worse.

my heart and brain,
all confused,
do i actually want you?
or do i just want to feel loved?

i love it when you compliment me,
i like it when youre next to me,
i like holding your hand,
and sitting in your lap.

but is this how is supposed to feel?
im supposed to be head over heels,
thinking about you all the time.

but im just confused,
i need some time to think,
but i dont have the time.

i think i just want to be loved,
since ive never been before.