quiet night, courtesy of nature.

memories of past rain,
on the ground,
and in the still air.

droplets forming in filled leaves,
falling to the grass,
with a muted splat.

silent wind racing,
to cover up visible outer space,
with wispy clouds,
eager to please.

orange tinted clouds,
backdrop the empty trees,
ready for colder nights,
prepared.

listening soul,
resting on the ground,
hoping for guidance,
from an old being.

doc?

doctor, doctor;
i need some help;
my eyes are tired,
and my back is bent.

my dreams are crushed;
i trudge through every day.
i barely made it,
to see you today.

my aspirations have changed;
happiness is hard to find;
i need a smile,
a drug or two.

change

im once again trying,
to be together, alone.

i need a sense of safety, friendship,
but id much rather be alone.

because with others i forget,
i forget what i need,
i forget what i want,
and what it takes.

but im trying to be sane,
so i guess i need to forget.

im not strong enough to make this change,
but im to weak to let it go.

i guess you could call it personification

blood curling along the lines of her fingertips,
marking the wrongs, the rights, the inescapable,
she watches as the drips trace her pale skin,
slowly falling and falling and falling,
similar.

she closes her eyes against the blinding dark,
as she slowly trips through the hall.
looking for a room of safety,
feeling for a cold floor,
similar.

indescribable and confusing thoughts,
unable to explain,
unable to sort,
unable to escape,
similar.

she snatches every possibility,
to leave this wretched place before it's expected,
breathing is no longer a priority in her mind,
what she wants she cannot have,
but she must have what she wants,
before her final breath is took.

surprise!

i wanted to surprise you,
show up randomly,
with a smile,
and a hug.

we called,
oh yes we did,
approval made.

say hello,
walk down stairs,
hello again,
to the couch!

far away he is,
im okay with that,
games we play.

later, later he presences himself,
by my side,
next to me.

warmth glowing from his arm,
radiating onto my cold side,
cold from all the brokenness inside,
i finally feel warm.

heart pounding,
breath taking,
your face near mine.

its time to go?
oh no, well maybe another time.

hug goodbye,
please stay here,
i finally feel warm,
you know a secret of mine,
and you didnt run away,
please let me stay in your arms.

off in the car,
i reluctantly say bye.

disordered, empty, filling.

dreaming of sticks,
wanting, wanting,
praising grumbles,
seeking empty.

filling the emptiness,
more, more,
regretful,
large.

negative,
sorrowful,
hoping impossibilities,
broken.

quiet,
internet lurking,
beds company,
lonely.

loud,
out there,
attention,
need.

lust,
love,
sad,
bad.

b e d lets.

r m e bering.
o p a
k t d
e y
n side?


crazy,
breathe,
killing,
lungs.

sip,
gulp,
shot,
warm.

swallow,
breathe,
smell,
burn.

filling,
filling,
filling...

broken,
empty,
again.

you're all assholes.

escaping to the trees,
higher than where i want to be,
above them all,
that cause me pain.

tears fall,
onto innocent leaves,
broken branches,
cold ground.

he wants to get away,
he wants to leave,
but he forgets,
that he leaves me here,
in this hell,
alone.

i want to leave,
but i stay to please,
i dont know what to do,
i dont want to stay alive.

burning.

swirling,
white puffs ascending,
orange glow,
penetrating the darkness.

radiating in my throat,
burning lungs,
minty taste,
beautiful smoky smell.

in the early morning,
dew grazing the sweet grass,
unclearing fog,
still dark.

or in the night,
or in a tree,
or down the street,
beautiful destruction.

i need to stop thinking about mary.

pains shoot through me.

my heart being ripped
shredded and torn.

my stomache growling,
for something to make it whole.

my knees weak,
from certain exposures.

my brain stopped
melted and unfurled.

something to numb me,
something to love me,
something to make me feel whole
well, and normal again.

solitude.

grabbing for skin,
trying to get closer,
shredding shields,
put up for the rest of the world.

hands placed with care,
lovingly feeling,
its me and you,
in solitude.

no one else matters,
no one else cares,
its just me and you,
in solitude.

humans.

i love,
and i lose.

i feel sorrow,
and i smile.

i take a grave expression,
and i feel grief.

i feel,
and i fantasize.

i have hopes,
and happiness.

this is what makes me real.
all the dreams and aspirations,
all the bad luck and despair,
molds me, a human being.

i live for no qualms,
i live for you and me,
i live for the pursuit of happiness,
i try to live.

im flawed beyond repair,
but then again, so are you.
im just another human being,
trying to live in this life.

not an ordinary poetry post.

recently, ive been feel quite disconnected, empty, and distracted. so i cant write a poem, like i mentally cant finish one. i start one, and then i get blocked. so these are the starts ive written that i might turn into something later perhaps.

1.
early winter day,
cool, but sunny.
wind slowly ruffling,
the leaves and branches.

2.
soft rain drops,
falling on my cheeks,
and in my hair,
making me the same,
just another piece of nature.

3.
sometimes,
i like ripping out grass.
destroying something simple,
makes me feel better.

4.
we destroy the limited freedom we get to the best of our abilities.

mary jane.

she helps you forget,
she makes you happy,
she makes you laugh,

she makes it better,
she makes it easier.

she makes us fall in love,
she makes us want each other.

but im jealous of her,
you might like her better than me,
you prefer her company,
and forget mine.

because she makes you forget,
and makes you happy,
i dont have to be there,
and you dont need me.

maybe you should just have mary jane,
and forget about me,
for good.

i dont have her anymore,
not right now,
would it be different if she were my friend?
maybe, but shes not,
not right now anyway.

you;re more faithful to mary jane,
than you are to me.

you see her everyday,
you have her every hour,
she makes you not want me any longer.

i want you to have a little less mary,
and a little more me,
because i miss you more than mary.

damn boat.

floating precariously,
leaky and damp,
water slowly seeping inside.

contemplating,
not alone though,
another solitary person,
as a sole companion.

are we going somewhere?
not east,
nor my beloved west.

slowly sinking downwards,
no, not south,
but down.

towards the murky waters below,
we try,
oh we try,
but this sinking boat cannot be stopped.

soon our sorrows will be drowned,
along with our helpless bodies,
and our feeble boat.

lost.

sounds vibrating through the evening air.
still, but lively.
dead, but alive.

table sturdy,
pen in hand,
only a candle for company.

madly scribbling,
thoughts and feelings,
pain and sadness.

miserably alone,
but comforted by thoughts,
friended by nature.

pain in my heart,
broken pieces scattered,
nowhere to be found.

mind lost,
clouded by emotion,
anything but rational.

sanity questionable,
craziness undoubtable,
heartbroken, promised.

not alone.

cold ground illuminated by the stars,
here and there and everywhere.

you can see them too,
twinkling and shining.

youre so very far away,
but in common, we have the sky.

talking on the phone,
about love or life,
or trying to find constellations.

i love the sound of your voice,
even if its through the phone,
and since you see what i see,
maybe i can pretend that right now,

im not alone.

a compelling journey.

to the east,
morning rays glow,
waking my dreary eyes.

i shield myself,
from another day,
and gaze towards the west.

i know youre somewhere that way,
and i wish i could just start walking,
until i walk right back into your arms.

i could take all 2,599 miles,
or maybe we could just meet in the middle,
the middle of nowhere,
safe and hidden from everyone else.

we could run away,
from all responsibilities,
hand in hand.

needing nothing,
but love,
and each other.

the rain.

i remember that night,
it seems so long ago,
that you and i walked into the rain,
and walked out together.

it was no longer,
just you, or just me,
it was us.

it wasnt so long ago,
that we were still together,
we sat by each other under that tree,
did what we could to make this bearable.

but now,
we're miles apart,
nothing can be done,
nothing can be fixed.

today,
i stand in this rain,
and we cried together,
just the rain and i.

the rain was like us,
falling together,
onto grass or ground.

but then washed away,
washed away,
so mercilessly.

and i cant wait until the day,
when we can meet in the rain,
and be washed together again.

please be back soon.

youll change,
and i wont get to see you grow,
but ill always love you,
ill always love you so.

i wish i could kiss you goodnight.
tonight, and all the other nights,
all the other nights,
we'll never have.

but i wont forget the moments we had,
just so we can remember them,
when we're together again.

freedom.

green grass wet under my sole,
as i slowly walk through this field,
shoes in hand,
chasing freedom.

if i keep walking,
maybe ill find it,
whatever it is,
whatever it needs to be.

maybe enlightenment,
or perhaps a new train of thought.

i need some peace of mind,
i need to stop doubting every step i take.

the familiar look of home is in sight,
is this surrender?
only for tonight.

yearned to say.

the entire time,
i wanted to say i love you.

the entire time,
i pushed the thought away.

when we were on your couch,
watching tv,
when we were in your bed,
listening to the radio.

when you hugged me,
when you held my hand,
when you kissed me.

when we walked on the road,
when we sat in beat up chairs,
when we sent up smoke.

the entire time,
i wanted to say three words.

i love you.

now, i dont know what that means,
but i care, oh so much,
and i know you do too.

so i hope this is love,
did i mention i wanted to say i love you?

im a hopeless romantic.

the thought has been lingering,
for quite some time,
unattainable, i had thought,
until everything changed.

i wanted jealousy, primarily,
but i found something new,
someone who cares,
mostly, at least.

although youre not reliable,
youre better than i thought,
than i thought this would be.

youre the arms i crave,
the lips i seek,
the hand i fumble for.

i want to leave everything,
just to be with you.

its soon, i know,
and it may be my overactive imagination,
its only been days,
but i want this to last.

you.

i can still remember your touch,
they way you made me feel,
loved and safe.

everytime i think about,
our nights together,
i tingle.
everywhere.

my heart flutters,
and my stomach is all in knots,
beautiful knots.

my mind still remembers your face,
i remember the laughs,
everything we did.

you make me feel beautiful,
you make me feel pretty,
you make me feel loved.

the current state of my mind.

the simplest gaze upon your face,
your warm brown eyes,
your cute face.

leaves my stomach in knots,
and my mind in shreds.

seeing you with her,
not even someone new,
turns my thoughts in a tumble.

i hate seeing your name,
i hate seeing your face.

i hate the way your eyes,
make me remember everything ive done,
with you,
and around you.

i hate the way that hating you,
is just trying to cover up,
how much i like you,
because i cant hate you,
even if i wanted to.

happiness.

just a single touch,
your hand on my shoulder,
or on my back.

made my skin tingle,
it was like nothing,
ive ever felt before.

a smile was on your face and mine,
we were fine with being alone,
or in the presence of someone else.

walking through the barely lit woods,
or sitting on a bench,
as long as im with you,
im perfectly happy.

brother?

it wasnt too long ago that you were caught,
it wasnt too long ago when you bought your first act of freedom,
it wasnt too long ago when you still stayed at home at night.

back when i still heard your jokes,
back when i was still a kid,
back when we could still hang out in the same places.

with that first act of freedom,
you ran away from those who didnt care,
and those who truly did.

you gained bad habits,
you gained new friends,
you lost a family,
you lost a sister.

its a rarity that i ever see you,
ten minutes here or there,
when will i have a brother again?

not wishing anymore.

awake in a room that isnt mine,
thinking of people that wont be mine,
wishing actions that wont be mine,
having feelings that arent mine.

i gave up wishing long ago,
on stars, numbers, and people too.

i used to wish for him,
for a conversation,
for some answers,
for some reciprocation.

it never came true,
no, it did not.

and that is why i gave up wishing,
by my life is dreary yet.

stop.

i dont even want to consider,
you might be ignoring me,
technical difficulties perhaps,
but today,

today, i stop.

i stop thinking about you,
dreaming about you,
imagining anything about you.

today, i stop.

i stop getting butterflies when i see you,
flutters that make me fidget,
an excitement that runs through my head.

today, i stop.

i stop this kind of intoxication
it's not what i need,
nothing like what i need,

but it's what i want. and i cant stop.

opposite.

thoughts blowing through my mind,
like the wind today,
softly stirring the leaves,
and my hair from it's polished place.

this peaceful scene,
completely opposite to the chaos,
the completely disorganized thoughts,
thoughts of mine.

a child.

regressing to my childhood fancies,
the sky a dark moody purple,
glowing yellow moon,
shedding light on the ground.

green grass wet with impending dew,
cold under my dirt tinted feet,
fresh from playing in the playground dirt.

swinging as high as i can,
looking towards the star-speckled sky,
giving off an aura of hope and peace.

running as fast as i can,
trying to outrun the friends,
who only i know and see.

playing make believe,
i could be a ninja or a hunter,
i could be an undercover cop,
i could be a superhero,
but just tonight,
when i am still a child.

butterflies.

floating through the air,
weightless and dreamy,
softly landing in the grass,
or on an aromatic flower.

soft, pastel-colored wings,
patterned or solidly beautiful,
yellow, orange, black, or red.

awesome independence,
something the human race can never experience,
stuck on solid ground,
instead of floating freedom.

love?

to be filled with hope,
rather than despair,
feeling like i could go anywhere,
even go flying through the air.

speaking with you,
fills my confused mind,
if i cant be with you,
id rather be blind.

drowning in lovesickness,
i dream of you frequently,
cant stop... i just cant stop,
being halfway, just a little bit,
in love with you, maybe.

us.

my mind throwing itself everywhere,
i want to see you,
i want to be with you,
i want you to think of me how i want us to be.

happily smiling,
walking hand in hand,
sneaking outside,
for something illegal at our age,
and then kisses for only us to see.

i want to be,
what you wanted,
three long years ago,
i still remember that scene,
in front of the band room,
so childish. but i cant forget.

i will never forget.

the bare minimum.

across the threshold of darkness,
i wander.

mind wandering aimlessly,
through the aisles of my thoughts,
the lanes of my desires,
the streets of my confusion.

i want to blur the line of my thoughts,
create a whirlpool for my racing mind.

dumb myself down until,
i only think necessarily,
nothing extra,
staying alive,
survival,
nothing.

solitude.

when I'm with you I'm sure
it's what I want. 

when I'm alone
everything changes
my thoughts 
my feelings
everything I thought I knew
out the window. 

I think strange thoughts
look at all the possibilities 
and think of what could be

change.

i used to be happy whenever I saw you. 
I used to smile whenever I saw a new message from you. 

what changed so quickly?
was it the possibility of change. 
the possiblility of having something
I've always wanted. 

for some reason. 
I like being alone. 
solitude as my companion. 

the happiness virus.

it's like I'm immune to happiness
I've gotten the vaccine
and the happiness virus can't mutate. 

I may receive it from time to time. 
but it never stays forever.

I see people everywhere. 
dying from happiness fever.
love songs. and love stories. 

give me some metal and screamo. 
and I'll show you love. 
screaming at the top of my lungs. 
dancing in the rain until you fall. 
with tears masked by the rain. 
  

glances.

you picked me before you knew me,
i saw you when you looked away.

at one point,
we were staring into each others eyes,
the best moments of my life.

you look away yet,
i kept looking.

once or twice you met my gaze,
but quickly looked away again.

then one day you never looked back,
my heart is still broken,
and my eyes still look for you.

my former.

so i listen to the music,
i once said reminded me of you,
and try to remember the nights.

the nights we talked until 3 am,
sometimes we said sweet dreams,
sometimes to say the cops came,
ill see you tomorrow.

i remember the awkwardness,
and smile to myself,
at what we could have been,
what we should have been.

the balance.

should i stay with one i know who cares,
or the one ive always wanted,
safe in someones arms,
or trying to balance on feelings.

you say one word to me,
and the other doesnt matter,
but then remembering,
there's a heart on the line,
i dont want to drop the call.

its pulling my heart apart,
my mind cant decide,
rational versus irrational,
they weigh the same.

confusing worlds.

i see your message,
'sweet dreams,'
if i could sleep,
perhaps my mind could rest,
inhabiting a dream world.

but awake, im lost
between two worlds,
my fantasy, the possibilities,
and reality, the truth.

im burning in this indecision,
every wish i make is for sanity,
and to find truths,
in the lies i make myself.

pain and care.

when breathing becomes a tedious act,
you know something has to change,
your life is in a chaos,
like hell, if it existed.

your tears of self pity and pain,
and your throbbing heart aside,
youre still not normal enough,
to fit in with the crowd.

those puffy eyes,
covered in black,
a signature move.

you want to just cry out in pain,
and let your tears loose,
but no one would listen,
no one would care.

to be loved?

i dont want to be here,
i dont want to see here,
i dont want to feel here.

i want to be numb, motionless,
feeling is just too much,
and not knowing what you feel,
is even worse.

my heart and brain,
all confused,
do i actually want you?
or do i just want to feel loved?

i love it when you compliment me,
i like it when youre next to me,
i like holding your hand,
and sitting in your lap.

but is this how is supposed to feel?
im supposed to be head over heels,
thinking about you all the time.

but im just confused,
i need some time to think,
but i dont have the time.

i think i just want to be loved,
since ive never been before.

fantasyworld.

when youre trapped inside a fantasy,
you dont have pain, you dont have fear,
you have yourself and the others trapped with you.

youre not strong,
youll never be,
being in a fantasy,
isnt reality.

one day youll fall,
dropped into a world that has changed.

while you were dreaming,
others were failing,
others were succeeding,
at least they were moving.

youve returned to the world of the living,
the world of those who want more than a place to be,
they want to make something of themselves,
make a difference.

and youre just stuck in the pain,
that your fantasy conceals.

are you here, or is here in you?

running free through the valleys,
up and down the hills,
a bit of a struggle going up,
but worth it when youre running down.

the forests are fun to run through too,
although pace yourself,
its like the rabbit and the hare,
dont run into those sturdy trees,
dont let them stop you.

flying through the air,
may be the most freeing,
but the wind may lead you,
somewhere you dont want to go,
somewhere you dont want to be.

even running through the rain,
maybe the way to live,
getting soaked wet,
but then nothing else matters,
its just you, and the rain.

a little confused.

this leafy green forest,
was an escape i never saw,
it was separated from the rest,
with not a single flaw.

i was wandering all day,
through bushes and brush,
from the trail, i walked astray,
and never again saw hatred or pain.

longings and a light.

hidden longings
waiting to come out,
hidden longings
suppressed by the world.

a light in my heart,
living in a cold dark place,
you call it hope,
i call it stupid.

not.

feigning happiness,
letting the sadness,
build up inside me.

i try not,
to let it out,
but it overcomes me.

im too weak,
to live in this world.

ive been told,
you dont look happy,
are you okay?

no, im not.

for you.

i cry for your safety,
i cry for your smile,
i cry for your broken self,
i cry to see you again.

youre locked away somewhere,
but we love you,
she loves you,
your friends love you.

i hope you sleep,
through the night,
because i cant,
i need to see your face,
your smiling face.
that would always put a smile on mine.

the game.

i know your lies,
i do, i do,
but your name still puts a smile,
on my face all day.

i know its the way you are,
but its okay, i can take it,
youll never know,
i can play that game too.

smiley smiley winkky dink.

the wrongs.

just let me destroy myself,
let me ruin my future,
let me kill myself slowly.

it's just me,
i'm basically nothing,
nothing to worry about.

the future is just a point of view,
mine is limited,
by everything in the world,
against me,
pulling me away,

just let me breathe,
let me experience everything bad,
nothing good can come,
from this ruined world anyway.

just let me breathe,
breathe in impurity,
feel like never before,
ive got the rest of my life,
to fix the wrongs.

breathe?

sitting here,
staring at the blank screen,
wishing it was whiskey i was drinking.

looking around the room,
nothing interesting to gaze at,
nothing good to think about.

already cried,
the shower understood,
and took my tears down the drain.

what a life to live,
is this how it feels,
to not want to breathe?